SO YOU’VE DECIDED TO LEAVE | Midwest Conservative Journal

SO YOU’VE DECIDED TO LEAVE | Midwest Conservative Journal

SO YOU’VE DECIDED TO LEAVE
An 815 publication

Your parish has voted to leave the Episcopal Church. We’re really sorry to hear that. Aside from General Convention resolutions which constitute the teaching of the Episcopal Church which must never ever be contradicted or disagreed with by you or anyone else, your parish is free to believe anything it likes.

But if you and your parishioners still feel that this is something you must do, we understand. And contrary to what you might read on some right-wing Anglican blogs, we’re not necessarily after your building and grounds. We want a peaceful and an amicable separation just as much as you do.

That’s why we’ve put together this handy pamphlet detailing the simple steps you’ll need to take in order to make a smooth and easy transition to your parish’s new life.

(1) Contact Church Center and order four copies of the 15,000-page form AX-11717, also known as Permission For a Parish to Leave a Diocese (individual copies of this form are available from Church Center for three easy payments of $3,275.75). Fill out all four forms in black ink only, send three to Church Center and one to your diocesan office.

(2) After it has been determined that your paperwork has been filled out correctly, you will need an approved parish name. Since we get to go to Lambeth Conferences and you don’t, that makes us official Anglicans and you a bunch of bigots who hate gays.

And you and we both know that that’s what this is about. So your parish name may not contain the word “Anglican” since we don’t want people to think that we have any association whatsoever with a bunch of bigots who hate gays.

(3) Okay, maybe the “bigots” blast above was a little harsh. But break-ups aren’t easy, you know? Sure, you can pretend that none of this bothers you but you know how it is. You’re dying inside, sometimes that comes out and you say things you normally wouldn’t. What the hell do you want to leave for anyway, damn it?!!

(4) Um…we seem to have digressed. Sorry about that whole needy ex-boyfriend thing we were rocking just now. That’s not us. Trust us.

You’ll need a new liturgy. You won’t be able to use ours or anything that resembles it. And since the Anglican liturgy is one of the finest achievements of the English language and since you apparently want nothing more to do with us, your liturgy may not contain such words as God, Jesus Christ, Holy Ghost, sin, baptism, water, apostles, saints, communion, he, she, her, him, them, a, and, the, for and of, among others.

(5) Since the finest example of the Bible in the English language, the so-called King James or Authorized Version, was the product of the Church of England and since all other English-language Bibles flow from the King James, you’ll need to use a non-English language Bible to use in your “worship.” To ease your transition, we recommend that your staff and every single member of your parish learn a new language in which to conduct your “worship.” We suggest Bulgarian.

(6) For a period of ten years, the diocesan bishop will still make annual visitations. He or she is to be carried into the liturgy in a gestatorial chair wearing a sterling silver tiara the parish is to pay for. The rector will process immediately in front of him strewing flower petals in his path while all clergy and laity must make a minimum of twelve prostrations.

No one is to look the bishop directly in the eye or occupy the same level as the bishop while he or she is in your building. In other words, if the bishop is standing, the clergy and laity must be sitting.

If the bishop is sitting, you and everyone in your parish must lie flat on the floor, eyes down. And a sufficient number of laity are to make themselves available in order that the bishop may walk from your parish to his car without his feet touching the ground.

(7) In order to be certain that your “worship” is not confused with ours, vestment themes are to be limited to the following:

(A) Barney the Dinosaur
(B) SpongeBob SquarePants
(C) A day at the circus

(8) For a period of five years, the clergy of your parish as well as all members of the parish vestry are to do the laundry of any Episcopalian who asks them to and they are to do it for free and to that Episcopalian’s satisfaction.

(9) During that same period, tickets to sporting events that any of your staff or parishioners happen to have are to be instantly surrendered freely and without complaint to any Episcopalian who requests them.

(10) Your parish is to have no contact whatsoever with the so-called “Anglican” “Church” in North America. You are not to affiliate with this group, none of you are to even so much as visit its website and if you or any member of your parish happens to utter the name “Bob Duncan,” you are to immediately spit on the ground, cross yourselves and beg God‘s forgiveness for your sacrilege.

Failure to completely fulfill all of these requirements as well as any others the Episcopal Church may come up with to the complete satisfaction of the Episcopal Church will result in your parish forfeiting the title to its building and grounds to us.

We hope that this short guide to leaving the Episcopal Church will aid you and your parish in your journey away from the Church into whatever awaits you.

Have a nice day.